The road to forgiveness

The best thing about getting older?
This journey of self discovery I’m on. I freaking love the me I’ve allowed myself to become. 

The worst thing about getting older?
The regret that sneaks in and punches me in the gut as this journey of self discovery reminds me just how different things could have been.  I could have been… a better mother. a better wife. a better daughter. a better friend.

The biggest challenge for me right now?
Forgiveness. Forgiving myself for being the best I knew how to be at the time, even when I wasn’t very good. Forgiving myself for spending my life on the damn hamster wheel, not having a fucking clue what living authentically even meant. I spent so many years doing what I was “supposed” to do, striving for perfection and feeling guilty when I failed at either. A very wise friend once told me that “guilt is a useless emotion”… while my head knew that to be true, I wasn’t ready at the time to cut the ties of guilt. 

The struggle is real and has brought me to my knees more than once. Just like all of us, I’m learning as I go. I know there’s more to life than “getting by” and “I’m fine” because I’m in that new state of being now. I’m surrounded by so many forward thinking badasses that continually speak life and show me their hearts. They, like myself, want MORE. More love. More peace. More kindness. More forgiveness. More acceptance. More LIFE for all of us. 

Now to go practice that forgiveness on myself for not having this influence in my life when I was a young adult/parent. I wish I could have been this “me” a little sooner. Another wise friend says that perhaps I wouldn’t have been ready to hear it sooner… Who really knows? I’m just going to have to accept that and forgive.